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Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts Review
Why do people dodge responsibility when things fall apart? Why the parade of public figures unable to own up when they screw up? Why the endless marital quarrels over who is right? Why can we see hypocrisy in others but not in ourselves? Are we all liars? Or do we really believe the stories we tell? Backed by years of research and delivered in lively, energetic prose, Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me) offers a fascinating explanation of self-deception—how it works, the harm it can cause, and how we can overcome it. User Submitted Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts ReviewsAugust 29, 2008 dissonance This is a book about dissonance and the attempts the mind makes to resolve it. The basic mechanism is: I'm a good person, I did something that a good person wouldn't do, therefore, my perspective on my action changes to something a good person would do. I think there's a good, lengthy magazine article wanting to come out of this book. There are examples but they feel cut short, and there are interesting asides that aren't explored (example: they say we're more influenced by small gifts than large ones and has a footnote with a reference to a note in a study). It's hard to use as a reference too. For example, the pages do not show the chapter, which makes it quite difficult to look up footnotes...or find my place. July 11, 2008 how ego maintenance exacts a huge price Who wants to admit he was wrong, made a mistake, exercised poor judgment, was misled or conned? None of us do, but most of us are skillful at excusing or justifying those acts. This absorbing book explains why and how we reduce "cognitive dissonance" to maintain a favorable self image in spite of overt misbehavior or failure. Beyond that, the authors show how destructive this tendency can be, not just in terms of social fairness or justice but also in the insidious corrosion of our own beings. There are fascinating examples of the most mind-boggling efforts to justify inexcusable, criminal, inhuman, and hateful behavior. And there are inspiring stories of people, good people who nevertheless state clearly that they blew it, that they were responsible for another person's destruction, loss, freedom, reputation, or life itself. Finally, this book offers real hope in showing an alternative to our culture's perverse fear of making a mistake and even worse, admitting to one. They provide true stories of how such admissions can actually deter litigation instead of inviting it. In an engaging yet logical argument they make a most convincing case for the power and healing potential of personal humility, honesty, and continual self-examination. If this book was widely read and its principles applied I think there would be a lot of unemployed attorneys. And a far better world to live in. I will be re-reading this book soon. June 23, 2008 Amazing book! This book manages to be entertaining, informative, and utterly terrifying at the same time! Amazing collection of examples of how we justify our actions from all sides of human life -- politics, law enforcement, medical practice, science, relationships. PS: According to the book you should not listen to people who already bought the book when deciding if you should buy it. People who already made the decision to get the book will be biased to give a positive recommendation. ;-) June 1, 2008 You don't need to read it ALL At first, I sensed the volume was going to be redundant, overly repetitive--and to some extent that is true. The authors make their "cognitive dissonance" (discomfort which leads to self-justification, even unconsciously) point in Chapter One, and proceed to bore us with elaborations on the same theme. Everything is very logically presented and well written, but it is simply example after example of their main Chapter One thesis: Dissonance fosters self-justification. I say start with Chapter One (which tells the what of dissonance) and skip to Chapter 8 (which explains the emotional whys and how to stop it via self reflection). Then read a chapter or two in-between if you are further interested. For me, Chapter Six, is the only chapter that held my complete attention--I was glued to it. The subtitle is "Love's Assassin: Self-Justification in Marriage." This is relevant to me because I vividly remember going through a separation with an ex-girlfriend and this certainly made me reflect on both of our behaviors. You may find a different chapter of significance. The message of the book is that people (mates, politicians, business executives, lawyers and the rest of us) tend to self-justify our wrong behavior--all to reduce dissonance and ambivalence for consonance. Maybe this is one of those topics where the writers just can't present their point once, but have to flesh it out in the rest of the book so the average reader can get it more thoroughly. Like good teachers they plant the idea (theory, they admit) in our minds, then reinforce the concept so we'll never for it--and we don't dare practice ill-behavior emotionally harmful to a relationship, or even ourselves. The authors say we all want to move from dissonance (emotional and mental discomfort over what we or others consider bad behavior) to consonance (comfort) in our actions and attitudes. To some extent the book seems rather textbookish, but it can't be expected to read like a novel--not that textbooks should be boring. Dissonance is said to hurt self-esteem because the "mind wants to protect itself from pain...with the balm of self-justification...." (p. 216-7). But dissonance has its positive side, too, they acknowledge, by forcing us to take stock (or not) of our interpersonal behavior. The authors track self-justification through the topics of "family, memory, therapy, law, prejudice, conflict and war" (p. 222), and they tell the ugly and the good. Had it not been for Chapter Six, especially, then chapters One and Eight, necessarily, I would have rated the book a three. May 7, 2008 Fantastic Book! Can't put it down. I just picked this up in Newark airport on my way back from Europe. My boyfriend had been terrible to me and the trip was the worst I ever had. So this book seemed apropo. I love it! It brings in a lot of MBA oriented theory from my Power and Politics classes as well as Advertising and Marketing. It is brilliant and I wish I had read it years ago! April 1, 2008 Read At Your Own Risk Of Deconstruction! A face paced, witty, entertaining, informative, and dark read from page one. Nothing like having every belief, stance, arguement, sacrifice, ethic, loyalty, and moral conviction challenged by the time you've made it through the introduction! We humans are endlessly interesting creatures, that's for sure. A must read for any inquiring mind, politician, pastor, activist, judge, police officer, teacher, doctor, suffering soul, do-gooder, bully, or social terror. Enjoy. March 4, 2008 Generally succeeds, but has its shortcomings This book does fairly well in portraying how we go about attempting to make reality consonant with our internal self, and the consequences thereof. For instance, clinicians who do not use thorough scientific rigor to evaluate their claims (such as repressed memory) can end up seeking out anecdotal evidence that confirms their suspicions, and despite the fact that "x" may be untrue, will convince their clients that yes, "x" did indeed happen to them, and this is why they are the way they are. The client, apt to accept such a statement as it is consonant with the fact that it exculpates them, will then go on believing x is true (without sufficient evidence to do so), possibly destroying people's lives in the process. I focused on this as an example because the book focuses on sexual abuse and repressed memories as essentially hocus pocus, and this is where the book succeeds but also fails in some regards. For one, sexual abuse is associated with amnesia and dissociative symptoms; the hippocampus, when flooded with cortisol (as in stressful situations), interferes with the ability to form declarative memory. This is scientific evidence that helps make the point that, while the clinicians in the examples given in the book jumped to the conclusion of sexual abuse--due to operating on the non-empirical assumption that their patient had repressed memories--were indeed wrong to do so, the inclination to suspect sexual abuse or trauma when someone has lost a large portion of memories of their childhood is not necessarily a poor hypothesis (just an uncorroborated one). In general, while I enjoyed the book and found it applicable to my life on many levels, I felt as though the political examples of cognitive dissonance may have been imbalanced against Republicans (I am a Democrat); the statement that an individual with a completely false autobiography was "healthy" was a bit puzzling, given that meningiomas, porphyria, and other medical conditions can cause false memories (and the person discussed had been abandoned early in his life by his mother; how exactly can one presume healthiness here?); and that the book gave off the sweeping impression that if you've been sexually abused, you'll only experience heightened explicit memories. So, I recommend buying the book if you don't mind these objections, as it can help you gain insight as to how we have a confirmation bias and need to distort reality to our benefit. February 13, 2008 I wanted to stand up and applaud this book If there was ever a book that cuts to the heart of some of the major issues that confront our world this is it. It speaks to the individual & the marital couple, it speaks to the psychotherapy community, the judicial system, the healthcare system & goes on, I dare say, to speak to world leaders about a path, albeit a difficult one, to peace. To add to the credibility of this book, there was hardly a statement made that was not research backed. Yes, there was definitely a political point of view that will be offensive to some, but what could be a greater example of not being able to admit you were wrong than our own President in regards to the Iraq war? I think the point was that this self justifying attitude that seems to be pervasive in our society has enormous consequences. If you don't get that from this book or if you don't see yourself in the pages of this book... well, you weren't paying attention. February 10, 2008 A perfect example The disagreement around the issue of 'Global Warming' and whether it is human-caused (anthropogenic) or not, is a good example of the principles discussed in this book. It is very plain to see now, the lashing-out by (mostly left-leaning) Environmentalists against the ever-increasing number of scientists, and hard evidence, which drives a vast wedge into this media-supported charade that 'the Science is Settled', 'humans are definitely to blame', 'we are near a tipping point in the environment' etc, ad nauseum. Ad Hominem attacks against hundreds of the world's most highly qualified (and Skeptical) climate experts are beginning to fly like confetti in a hurricane, especially since the Inhofe report. Sad to see, when many of the experts now being harassed, have been part of the UN IPCC's own effort to alarm the world. Environmentalism is an ideology, and Anthropogenic Global Warming a RELIGION, you need to be aware. But that's how stupid people can get, when they need to defend a conviction. And attacks by reason only firm a group's or individual's resolve, in many instances - in this case, the resolve of Global Warming alarmists. Thankfully, history demonstrates that good science usually prevails. January 28, 2008 Read this book - no mistake! As a self-defense trainer, I'm puzzled by an apparent contradiction. I give a "pop quiz" at the beginning of every class I teach. The question correctly answered most often by most students is whether women are more often assaulted by strangers or acquaintances. Most (correctly) answer acquaintances. Yet, when asked who they see as THEIR possible assailant, almost ALL students describe a stranger blitz attack. And it was this discrepancy between what people told me they knew about assault and who they felt was likely to attack THEM that puzzled me. Tavris and Aronson's book is all about "cognitive dissonance," a state of mental tension that arises when a person simultaneously holds two ideas, beliefs or opinions that are contradictory. Because holding two contradictory views is a mentally uncomfortable state, cognitive dissonance describes the process by which they become reconciled in the head of the beholder. Everyone over the age of 14 can recall a time when they made a decision, stubbornly stuck by it despite its obvious poor results, and only after enough time went by could acknowledge it as a mistake. Tavris and Aronson have collected a wide range of examples. While their examples did not directly address my question, I'll infer their answer (here's the short, simplistic version). Acquaintance assault casts doubt on your ability to judge character. That is a weakness. Weakness is bad, and admitting to weakness is also bad. These are uncomfortable feelings. Therefore, even though you INTELLECTUALLY know better, you FEEL more threatened by those dark alleys you'd never walk down anyways. While I do not consider this the entire explanation for students' contradiction, I believe it is part of a complex convergence of social and psychological factors. How does this information help my students learn better risk assessment? One of the authors' points is that cognitive dissonance is everywhere because it is a normal activity of the human mind. However, the authors also point out that we can minimize it (and its harmful effects) with awareness and a measure of self-reflection mixed with honesty. Acknowledging mistakes is the first step in learning from them. Acknowledging your real risks is the first step in planning to reduce them. For more Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts reviews click here.
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